( Thunder booming )
Prisoner: Where am I?
Man: In the village.
What do you want?
Information.
Whose side are you on?
That would be telling.
We want information.
Information...
Information.
You won't get it.
( Bubbling )
By hook or by crook, we will.
Who are you?
The new number two.
Who is number one?
You are number six.
I am not a number, I am a free man!
( Number two laughs )
( Applause... )
Explosion )
Busy, Potter?
It's our form of Siberia.
What was the colonel up to?
Dr. Schnipps. Crazy scientist.
For the last 26 years
he's been building a super rocket to destroy London.
Where?
That's just what the colonel was about to find out.
( Beep )
Excuse me.
Ridiculous.
Yes.
Where do I start?
You're to go to the Magnum record shop, booth seven.
The chief will speak to you there.
Chin up, Potter.
It was so damned unsporting.
It certainly wasn't cricket.
Keep the change.
( Jazzy pop music playing... )
( Outside music muffled )
Man: Mission: Find and destroy Professor Schnipps' rocket.
There's very little help I can give you, I'm afraid.
The opposition have been one step ahead of us all along.
Thank you very much.
What was that? Nothing.
Standard disguise. Take over where the colonel left off.
( Applause... )
Explosion )
( All gasp )
The usual, sir?
Please, Doris.
Thank you.
Same again, sir?
No, thank you.
One of those is quite enough.
Brandy.
Whiskey... vodka...
Drambuie.
Tia Maria... cointreau...
Grand Marnier.
Sir, you'll make yourself sick.
( Retching )
( Water splashing )
( Humming... )
( Banging on doors )
( Carnival music playing... )
( People cheering )
( Bell clangs, man shouting )
( Applause, crowd booing )
Ladies and gentleman, those are the sort of fights you don't see
in the... ( Applause )
And now it's my privilege to introduce to you
for the first time ever in this country
at 210 pounds, the Polish giant, killer karminski!
( Applause and booing )
And now, ladies and gentlemen, another hand I want
for the gallant and courageous opponent
who has undertaken to go three rounds with the killer.
A man of mystery in the front row... Mr. x!
( Cheering and applause... )
( Imitating old woman ): Good luck, young man.
( Applause and booing continue )
Killer karminski!
( Applause and booing )
Mr. x!
( Applause and cheering )
Now, I want a good, clean fight.
No kicking, butting or gouging...
Except in moderation.
When I say break, break.
Don't forget, eh?
May the best man win.
Go back to your corners.
Timekeeper: Seconds out!
Round one! ( Clangs bell )
( Crowd shouting... )
Eh, take it easy, sir, will you?
Me face is me fortune!
You might knock it back into shape!
Break!
You got to go through the tunnel of love. ( Grunts )
What?
The tunnel... of love!
( Groans )
Who... gave you... that message?
The lady... ( Grunts )
Who was she?
I don't know!
Who... was she?
Didn't I tell you, I don't know!
( Grunts )
The tunnel of.. Love!
( Water gurgling.“ )
Woman: Hello... no, don't turn around.
I have you covered.
The tunnel of love is very fitting...
Because I'm beginning to love you, in my way.
All my life, I've been looking for a worthy opponent.
You have passed my first little tests brilliantly.
You'll be hearing from me again.
Auf wiedersehen.
( Chuckles )
( Chuckling... )
( Laughing wildly..- )
Explosion )
( Wild laughter )
( Woman screams )
Here, what's your game, Sherlock Holmes?
I'll spread your nose all over your face.
I'll bash you up and down this fairground.
You'll never pick up your teeth with a broken arm.
I'll tear off your leg
and I'll beat you over the head with it!
Laughing )
I love you madly.
Oh...
And I love the way your hair curls on the back of your neck.
You'll make a beautiful corpse.
I'm going to do you the honor of letting you die superbly.
But not yet, darling.
There's more fun to come.
Woman ( On loudspeaker): I'm glad you came.
This is to be our love tryst.
You may not see my face, but you may know my name.
My name...
Is death.
( Chuckles )
I'm sorry my father could not be here to greet you
but he's busy with his rocket.
Besides, he did not wish to play gooseberry.
You are a born survivor.
I am a born killer.
We were made for each other.
But I fear this is where it must end.
Your reflexes cannot save you now.
It will come swiftly, suddenly, when your luck runs out...
With my love.
Come...
Come inside, my darling.
( Firing... )
Ls your heart pounding?
Your hand shaking?
That's love, my darling.
My father was a great man
but the war ended before he was recognized.
But when London lies in ruins, he will be a God!
( Firing... )
( Pops )
Nice of you to drop in.
I can see you're having a swinging time.
But that's not quite what I had in mind.
Perhaps this will help.
( Motor whirring )
You'll soon get the point.
Incidentally... They're electrified.
Ingenious.
Nobody's ever thought of that before.
You really are the most entertaining lover I've ever had.
( Firing )
That was ill-mannered, and dangerous!
I might not have been able to warn you that the rest of this floor is mined.
Very small, but very sensitive... and quite deadly.
Oh... I almost forgot.
They will all explode anyway in 90 seconds.
( Hissing )
That's the hot line.
Or had you noticed?
( Explosions )
You've been through the butcher's and the Baker's.
Now you're in the candlestick maker's.
Only he never made candles like these.
These are my invention.
They have a cyanide derivative mixed with the wax.
As the wax burns, it gives off cyanide gas.
Every candle in this room is breathing poison into the air.
I do so believe in double-glazing, don't you?
Keeps out the noise.
'Course it does keep out the air, too.
( Coughing )
Oh, a last word of advice.
If the candles are blown out, they explode.
( Stifling cough )
( Coughing )
And that's only one of the little ones.
I warned you your luck would run out.
I've got you now.
I'm glad it's to be this way.
I hate quick farewells, don't you?
Interesting.
I've noticed mice get irrational in just the same way
when they know they're going to die.
In this village, in the past
when a great man was dying
they sounded the death knell.
I think that was a charming idea.
( Bell tolling... )
( Machine gun firing )
All right, darling, you win.
I've just realized something.
I don't want to kill you anymore.
You were the best.
If I kill you, what will be left for me?
( Engine grinding )
Life would be a bore.
Why don't you join us, my father and me?
We could have a wonderful life together.
You would be a constant challenge to me.
Come and join me in the bell tower.
What do you say, darling?
Don't let silly pride stand in your way.
( Revving engine )
Bullets ricocheting )
Whee!
Explosion )
Whee!
Explosion )
Whee!
Explosion )
Whee!
Explosion )
( Engine grinding... )
Bye-bye, lover.
( Bell tolling... )
( Sighs )
( Bell continues tolling... )
( Faint electronic humming and beeping... )
( Humming and beeping get louder )
( Clattering )
( Humming "Danny boy" )
♪ From Glen to Glen j'
♪ and down the mountainside ♪
♪ The summer's gone, and all the roses fall... ♪
♪ 'Us you, 'us you j'
♪ must bide and I must go ♪
♪ But come ye back when summer's in the meadow... ♪
( Humming tune )
( Sighs )
Everybody's doing it now, you see?
You're quite sure you killed him?
Father, who taught me?
You're a girl after my own heart.
If only your dear mother could see you now.
Oh...
( Sniffling )
Good old Josephine.
Tell me again about her last cavalry charge.
Not now, child.
We have work to do.
Gentlemen!
Yes, all right.
That's very good.
In one hour's time... ( Chuckles )
London will lie entirely in ruins!
Of course, there will be no more trafalgar square.
It will be Napoleon square.
And of course Nelson's column will go to be Napoleon's column.
Uh... and then my little girl here
will be taking over bond street.
Oh!
( Chuckles )
And you merry lads can have...
Chelsea barracks!
Ungrateful swine.
And then we'll be taking over the entire regions.
Scottish marshal here?
Present.
You keen on soccer?
Oh, aye, sir, I am, I am.
Like wembley stadium?
Oh, aye, aye, I would.
It's yours.
Welsh marshal?
Yes, sir?
What a great day for the nationalists, sir.
Thank you, marshal Jones. Irish?
He's gone down to the armory, sir.
He'll not be long.
Blast! Of all...
What on earth does he do down there?
The countdown has now started.
Hmm?
( Beeping... )
Yes, yes... Of course, thank you.
As I was saying...
The, uh, countdown has now already started.
In a few minutes, we transfer to the speedboat
and control the final phase of the operation from the sea.
O'Rorke will...
Where is Marshal O'Rorke?!
Find him at once, all of you!
Oh... ( Muttering)
It's Waterloo all over again.
Oh...
Jones: He must have come through here.
Seen O'Rorke anywhere?
No.
He must have come by.
I haven't seen him.
What's going on here?
I don't know.
Boys... excuse me a minute. Will you stop...
Scots Marshal: There he is!
Take your firing positions!
Fire!
This one won't backfire, darling.
( Beeping continues... )
Mountaineering rope.
It would hold an elephant.
I must remember that next time I go climbing with one.
Oh, I'm afraid there won't be a next time for you, darling.
I'm going to give you the most original death in history.
You're going for a rocket ride.
Oh, the rocket, that reminds me: Where is it?
It is here.
All around you.
The lighthouse...
Both: Itself is the rocket!
( Laughs )
You've guessed.
I say... you're not the Duke of Wellington, are you?
Ah... well, I expect you're surprised to meet me.
Don't you think it's clever?
Aren't I an extraordinary man?
Crazy.
( Chuckles )
This is the nose cone we're in now.
So you see, when the rocket reaches London
you will be the first to know! Won't that be exciting?!
I'll just go to pieces.
( Sharper beeping )
It is time to go aboard the boat.
Flight pattern is set.
All that remains is to fire the... ( Chuckles)
Lighthouse when we get out to sea.
Bon voyage, darling.
Think of me when you hit town.
( Loud beeping )
Careful, careful!
They're my records, you know.
( Beeping continues... )
That will do.
Muttering y
please hurry!
Yes, well...
Three minutes to blastoff.
But I must have my papers.
These are the history.
( Beeping continues... )
( Loud hissing )
( Engine whining... )
( Sizzling and gurgling... )
Explosion )
( Wind blowing... )
Darling, I've always taught you to be calm and methodical!
Oh...!
Oh!
What is it?
I forgot to turn the gas off.
Oh, father!
( Engine revs )
Look!
Stop him!
Not those! These!
Oh, these... Oh, yes, oh, yes, these.
( Ticking... )
Number six: And that is how I saved London
from the mad scientist.
Boys: More! More! One more, please.
No, no more tonight.
It's way past your bedtime.
Come on now, bed.
There's a good girl.
Girl: You will come tomorrow, please, please.
Yes, we'll see.
Boys: Promise... promise... You will come.
Tomorrow you will come...
The lighthouse... No...
( Boys arguing... )
Shh!
Sleep.
I'll come tomorrow.
I don't think I have any other important appointments.
Shh...
( Sighs )
"He might drop his guard with children."
( Scoffs )
"He might give something away."
Well, it was worth a try, number two.
He told them a...
Blessed fairy tale.
That one wouldn't drop his guard
with his own grandmother!
Number six: Good night, children...
Everywhere.
( Slam echoes )